Today is the second day off I’ve had in a row. The family I nanny for is on vacation so I’m able to be off of work. I don’t know what it is about being off of work, but I really struggle to relax. I feel guilty for not being productive with my day. I feel like I should be working out, or reading, or going to the ophthalmologist so that I can get a new prescription so that I can read without headaches. Then there’s wedding planning… and everything just adds up: the potential of what I should be doing with my time, versus what I am actually doing with my time. At this point, my days have consisted of doing laundry, relaxing at home, watching movies off of my netflix list and taking care of the dogs. I suppose that’s something, but I still feel like I’m being lazy.
Then there’s the whole body image/”I’m getting married and I want to be more fit” aspect of my laziness. I sit here and fear I’m gaining weight by not being more active. That I should go and run and lift, and do the things I enjoy doing. But some days you just don’t want to work out… sometime I get into these phases of needing to rest physically. And I cognitively know that’s good and necessary, but I feel like it means I’m being lazy and I’ll get fat, or lose tone. That’s the whisper voice at the back of my head, that I’m not pretty enough, that I’m not thin enough, that I’m not______ enough. I know that voice shouldn’t be listened to. I do know that. But it’s either the GAD or just plain body shame and guilt that tells me there’s some weight to those whispers.
Sometimes it’s hard to be alone with myself. Not because of the self-injury, or depression, but because my head tells me that I’m lazy and that (when I have days off) that I’m doing nothing with my life. I like working. But I do need to rest: I know I’m not Superman. But I feel guilty for resting, which makes me ashamed about my life and all the decisions I make. Which then has a tendency to push me to depression and self-injury. It’s really a vicious cycle.
And then I have a tendency to beat myself up for not doing more wedding planning. For procrastinating what I can do today… I don’t know where this large amount of responsibility comes from: the responsibility that everything is on me and I have to use every second of my time in a productive way. It’s just hard though.
It’s not that I want to be perfect. I just want to be the best me that I can be. And I’ve spent years wrestling with that and rebelling against: doing well, participating, making healthy and wise choices, and now I feel like I have to make up for lost time, I think. It feels impossible to be happy sometimes. There are these moments, these shooting stars of happiness, that blip across my sky. And then there’s me in my head, feeling the weight of the world and the desire to be everything I can’t manage the energy to be. And it all feels pointless, and I feel like a waste of space and matter.
And even knowing all of that isn’t true doesn’t make it easier to pull out of the feeling it leaves.