Last week my therapist told me I needed to create a list of priorities. At first, I was thrilled. I enjoy making lists and organizing my thoughts and feelings into something that feels manageable. Now, I am sitting here trying to order my experiences by what feels like it needs the most attention…. and it’s not going well. Cataloguing one’s life and one’s experience into a list–starting with what feels most triggering/traumatic/unmanageable and going down is actually way more difficult than I thought it would be.
I weigh childhood against adulthood, and healthy relationships against abuse. I thumb through my beliefs and then review them: determining which ones sustain and which crush me. And it’s all very difficult. Because–let’s be honest– these are stressful things to think about, and if they weren’t, I wouldn’t be seeing a therapist.
So, instead of trying to rate and judge the entirety of my life, I’m sitting here next to two puppy dogs, watching Supernatural, and eating cookies for dinner. My adulthood largely consists of having and doing my responsibilities (work & the occasional grocery run), and then procrastinating the not-so-urgent by doing the things I couldn’t as a kid (eating cookies for dinner mostly).
So…Welcome to my Monday night.