a confession

Sometimes you write an entire blog entry and then pitch it, because the words held no meaning outside of their given definitions.

Surrender. Sacrifice. Serve. …. All s-words of another nature. The practical outpouring behind these words is often too much to fathom. The obedience attached is frustrating. The selflessness is maddening.

I just want to live my life. My way.…. Words I’ve said so many times they’ve almost lost their meaning.

I just can’t do that. Be that. Help her. Think highly of him…. now…. I will when I’m more stable, able, healthy, happy, less….. me. 

How many times have I made excuses, pointless, utterly absurd, excuses for myself at the foot of the cross? Sometimes I catch myself like Lindsey Lohan in Mean Girls: watching the word vomit come up, unwilling or unable to do anything to stop it. And the vomit of my selfish, decaying heart wafts up to the nostrils of the crucified one, as I stand there offering my self-drenched excuses as a “clean up rag”. Maybe if I spruce up my selfishness with excuses He won’t really tell. As if a rag could cover the stench of vomit.

It’s despicable. It’s embarrassing. Because I do want to serve. I want to sacrifice. I want to surrender…. in theory. I do desire the joy that comes with obedience, and selflessness. I want to give my entire heart to someone, to something that is worth it, and worthy of it. And the thing is I can. But when it really comes down to it, and He whispers: THIS. Here. This is where I want you. And this is what I want you to leave. Just unclench your fists and let Me breathe life, a fuller life than you can imagine into these hopes. When He really does that, and I know He’s doing that… part of me remains that is still so reluctant and selfish that I word vomit up every self-serving desire and attempt to mop it up with cheap excuses.

It’s embarrassing. It’s humiliating. It’s sickening to look in the face of my own greedy, egotistic heart: to know that behind all those half-assed excuses lies this putrid thing that I am. Who am I fooling? No one. No one that matters anyway.

Praise God that He’s not done with me, that He is patient and loving enough to wait for my heart to fully surrender in actuality, and not just in theory. Because the selfishness has to die. It must be crucified on the cross of self-righteousness and self-worship. This foul-smelling, greedy beast inside of me must be put to death if I am ever to declare my life an ardent surrender.

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